Tuesday Top Ten - Best/Worst Swedish Eats

Having the metabolism of a horse, I consider myself well qualified to decide what's good, and what's not. Many would argue that taste is subjective. They are wrong.





Worst


5. Anything by Abba.
That's right, before there was ABBA there was Abba, Swedish based fish and seafood, in a can. I've actually got nothing against the food, but I'm going to assume that the singing Swedes' canned, salty sound was directly inspired by this century old company, which is more than enough reason to call for an international boycott.

4. Blood Pudding.
Why is it called "blood pudding"? So glad you asked. "a sausage made by cooking down the blood of an animal with meat, fat or filler until it is thick enough to congeal when cooled" Wow. Sounds delightful. Don't think it sounds so bad? Well then, by all means, have a gander. Isn't that supposed to be the end result of a meal? Makes "haggus" look like a fucking sirloin.

3. Plopp.
Speaking of end results, this is just unecessary. Sure, it's brown, long, and soft in the middle, but seriously, is that really the best name for these things? I'm a big fan of chocolate, especially Swedish chocolate, but I'm not about to eat something that reminds me of this. Now in Caffe Latte, for extra brown goodness.

2. Surströmming.
This canned delicasy has a "particular smell, which is similar to fish gone bad or garbage left out in the sun for a couple of days." (Wikipedia) 3 day old garbage? Beats the hell out of having to eat real food. They actually ferment this shit in the summer heat for over a month. Then they can it. Then, miraculously, people fucking buy it! It's recommended to be opened outdoors, or under water. This isn't looking so bad anymore.

1. Fil.
This stuff bugs me so much, this is the second time I've brought it up since this blog's inception. It's revolting. Scandinavians use fil mainly for cereal, but it's also mixed with jam, banana slices, whatever the hell else you wanna throw in there to take away from the taste. Fil is not available outside of Scandinavia, but I have a recipe for anyone willing to try it: Poor a glass of milk. Leave it in the sun, or on a furnace, for about a week. Stir. Let sit for another week. Stir and serve. There you go. Fil. Enjoy.





Best




5. French hot dog.

I'm going to assume that Sweden's version of street meat isn't actually french. It is, however, quite tasty. The French hot dog hardly wins points for appearance but if you've managed to read this far without wandering off to your favourite gay porn site (come on, we all have one) then kudos to you. The bun is closed off at one end, filled part-way with the condiments of your choice, then stuffed in true erotic fashion. It's the perfect fixer on a drunken night out. Not that I would know.

4. Pytt i Panna. Translation: "bits of food in a pan." Consisting of tiny cubes of potato, onion and ham, this is the hangover food of kings. Accompanied by an egg and a slice of toast, no other breakfast can satisfy the starved and angered stomach after a lost battle with alcohol. Not that I would know.

3. Plopp.

Ya. Whatever. Get over it.

2. Cake.
Yes, just cake. Working at a Toronto go-kart track that handled many a birthday bash, I oversaw my fair share of birthday bashes. Every cake was the same, flavourless sweet icing on the top, fluffy chocolate powder in the middle. The Swedes make cake the way I make sex. First, a thin, delicate layer of pound cake (soft bodily kisses). Next, a layer of jam (breastward kisses) mixed with crushed fresh fruit (wandering hands). Another thin layer of pound cake (back to the kisses. Make her want it.) A different fruit mix, sometimes blended with a hint of icing suger (placing her on the boss's desk). More pound cake (stick it in there). A thin, fantastic layer of marzipan on the top (All over her bosum).


1...
Sorry, I'm still cleaning up from number 2.